Not stable yet

This weekend, I went back to Charlotte. I needed to be back there; to be closer to HeeJun. We organized his messy garage and visited with friends. On that note, let me just say how wonderful my friends and family have been. People I have not seen in years have just surrounded their arms around me and comforted me. High school friends like Jacquie and Sarah call every day to encourage me. Amanda, whose husband is hurting from losing his best friend, has brought over her babies and helped me with this blog thing. Friends from Crusade have loved on me and brought their babies over to play with me. Neighbors have brought me food and comfort. My sweet Amy spent a whole day with me. Co-workers have helped me laugh. Friends from church have brought food and babies to play. It truly has been amazing to be surrounded by this love and kindness. Playing with the babies has been a wonderful distraction. At times, I catch myself feeling happy. Those are the times; however, that I would have rushed back to tell HeeJun all about what cute thing Cameron did, how Tyson’s hair is a mohawk, how adorable Addison is, sweet Caroline and Claire, how Hayley Grace is learning how to potty train, Robson peed on me, Caeders and Sassy are absolutely adorable, Jacquie was attacked by Dementors, and that I love Amy. These are the things I would tell him, but he is not here for me to babble on to. He would have laughed and probably been bored out of his mind. What has been amazing to me is that some of these people I have not spoken with or seen in years. HeeJun and I pretty much just hung out with eachother; we really liked being together.

Sunday my parents drove me to Morganton/Jonas Ridge where the crash happened. It was not as hard as I thought it would be. I have a tendency to block things out, or just focus on what I am doing at that moment. It seems my brain is almost rejecting the thought of what actually happened. I have not cried in several days. The tears I cried the week following the accident scared me. I fear losing it like that again, so it seems that my brain is pushing any thoughts of losing it aside. Then I feel guilty for not crying.

So, the site is not as horrific as I thought it would be. Lots of his riding buddies have placed flowers at the spot. I pray for those guys. What they must have witnessed and gone through. I hope HeeJun got at least a couple good rides up the mountain in.

Those @#$% trees. They are so small and weak. They are not strong enough to take my strong and brave husband’s life.

I realized as I was driving up there, that if I had not miscarried in Feb, I would have had the baby in August. Without the miscarriage, maybe HeeJun would have been home that day. And we would have had everything the way it was supposed to be.

On that note, this is not what I had planned. I am very confused and hurt by the teaching that “God has a wonderful plan for your life”. Really? ‘Cause this is not it. I am hurting; I put my trust in him with everything, as did HeeJun. And this is what we trusted Him with?! So, it has been hard to think of things as blessing lately or to even try to put my trust in Him with my future. I know I will. Although I am searching for theological answers and Biblical teachings in the Romans 8:28 questions; “how is this working for the good of those who loved You, Lord?“, my Faith and my Hope in Him will not waver. I know I need Christ. I know I love Christ. I do not believe this is some kind of punishment. God does not punish, hence the whole reason for Christ. Although, to be honest the thought has crossed my mind. I am just confused and hurt how this was “God’s plan”. I can not bear to hear “maybe this was how God has planned for others to hear His Word, maybe this will bring so and so to Christ”. In my selfishness, I would rather have HeeJun back. HeeJun would be infuriated that I am thinking these things. He trusted Christ through some hard times and never once faltered. He would have rather had Christ’s Word and Promise known. He is probably screaming at me right now, because he is seeing the Glory of God and has perfect understanding.