So THE LAST STRAW was drawn today. I have had it up the HERE and I need to write it down. I write it for my own therapy (writing helps) and for validation. Misery loves company!
In the beginning…
Two months after HeeJun died I got a letter in the mail saying my in- laws were investigating my finances. They believed HeeJun had a life insurance policy. He did not. We had to sit down 2 months after he had died, 2 months after the troopers knocked on my door and told me my husband had died, 2 months after seeing my husband’s body in a casket…
And they asked for $25,000! They said they felt entitled to it. The court said I did not have any money, let alone any to give away. I could not promise anything at that time. I was a new widow and had none to spare.
They said they were blood, so their grief was worse…Possibly that is how it looks to them.
They bought three plots next to HeeJun and left me out….Possibly they thought I would not need it.
My father paid for all the funeral expenses and casket. They never offered to help…Perhaps they were grieving so hard this did not even cross their minds.
They told me they would help pay for his gravestone and then texted me what they wanted on his gravestone (no dates!) and did not help…perhaps it was a miscommunication.
They invited me to dinner after I drove 2 hours to see them and then said it was “too hard” to see me. Twice…It must have been so hard to see me. I was a reminder.
I had a beautiful quilt made for them and then was told to not give it to them because it was too hard…Another reminder that was too hard to face.
No cards. No emails. No calls. I sent cards and flowers in hopes that they would not forget me. In hopes that they would be encouraged that they are loved and being prayed for.
They visited only once after two years. They walked in and immediately asked for his things; his shoes, his razor, his helmet. They left after I said “not right now”. I felt like a flea market of HeeJun’s items.
Recently, I sent them money because I felt like it was this negative tie holding us together. A tie that was choking me. I packed up three boxes with HeeJun’s things for them and sent it back to their city with my parents. I got a text from them a week after they cashed the check that said, ” Thanks but we want $20,000 more and we want you to deliver the boxes“. I did not know how to respond.
Today after not hearing from them for the three year mark I received a text that said “You did not respond. If you were ever HeeJun’s wife, you would respond. You are a Christian…We want more heejun money than $20,000…Who are you? The Erica 3 years ago promised. We have been waiting 3 years. We are sad alot more than you.”
I am furious and hurt. I feel abandoned by them. I know they are hurting. I saw them on the floor weeping. I saw them grab on to HeeJun’s casket and not let go. I saw them at the grave site every day. I know they are hurting and possibly this is helping them heal. Possibly being so angry at me and asking for money is helping them. Possibly feeling like their grief is worse than mine and playing the comparison game is helping them. If so, then I surrender. Theycan win. They can be angry at me for not having money and for not being able to take care of them like they want. They can feel like their grief is more than mine because they are blood. If it helps them, they can win.
I know I should not write this. I know I should show them Christ’s forgiveness and kindness. Pray for me because it is so hard to do that. Praise God I have an army of warriors surrounding me who are willing to fight with me and help me laugh. If I didn’t laugh I would cry forever.
Death is not a lottery or a flea market. When a loved one dies, we should comfort and support each other. We should allow each other to grieve and be there for each other. Send cards. Send flowers. Be there and remember together. Grief is not a contest.
Make a will now! Get Life Insurance now! Talk with your spouse now about what you want to happen when you die. Talk about where you want to be buried/ cremated. Talk to your family about what you wish to happen. Let them know your wishes.
Pray for us, please.
Simply unbelievable. I am so sorry you are being treated so poorly. I will pray for you and for them…
May I be honest and say, you don’t owe them a thing. Peace to you.
I love you. Prayers are coming…
Dearest Erica,
Death is hard it is so final,reading what you have posted makes me sad, but we can not make people love us. I pray you will cut them out of your life completely cause you deserve better it seems they are still angry about thier sons death and you are the only thing that they have to attack. I think Heejun would be ashamed of how they were behaving.
I am praying for you that God will give you wisdom and strength during this time and not look back only forward…………..
Sent with HUGS
Pattie
This makes me so sad and angry for you. I think that their grieving has turned them bitter, angry, and greedy. You know that you have been truthful with them, and you have been unbelievably gracious in your response to them, your reaching out, and my goodness in sending them money that you did not get from this account they believe existed. May Christ heal the wound that they have created in you and your relationship. Diane is right; you do not owe them anything. I pray that they will long to restore your relationship, and if not, know that you have been honorable here.
Dear Erica,
I recently came across your blog and spent one long Friday night reading your entries. It began with tears streaming down for all you had lost and ended with tears for all you had endured and gained. You are an inspiration. For what you are currently dealing with there are no words. You are more forgiving than I would ever be. My prayers for you and for them.
This is so sad. I pray for you and for them. I’m sure Heejun would be ashame of the way his family has treated you. Even if he had a life insurance, you were his WIFE, you would’ve been the BENEFICIARY and that would’ve been up to YOU if you wanted to share with them the money, but you don’t owe them a dime. Grieving is so hard and so different for everyone. And it’s a shame anytime money comes into the equation how “the roaches come out the woodwork” is what I say when everyone wants a piece of the pie.
Peace and strength. There are no words for what you’ve been through the past 3 years. Stay strong!
Erica, they have noone else to rage at, and you became their target. You are right–it’s not really about you, but that doesn’t make it fair. They don’t trust G-d enough to be angry with HIM and work through their grief, and that’s the worst sadness after HeeJun’s death. They must feel so empty.
You do not owe them anything. What you have already done has been beyond the giving that most people ever do. You can send them on their way, with love and with prayers for their healing, and move forward now with your own life. YOU GAVE THEM THE BEST–YOU LOVED HEEJUN. You do not owe anyone more than what you have already given. You gave the highest gift one can give.
I admire your willingness to clear illusions and stay grounded in your faith and love through the trials you have faced. You are such a bright light. Don’t let this diminish you for another moment. The lesson here may really be about letting go with love–your love bonds don’t break, but the hurtful and painful emotional ties that choke us can be released. I would even consider doing a gentle visualization of those cords being removed from your solar plexus and like springs, returning to them, one at a time. And, although you never wanted to cut ties or relationships, if that’s what you need to do for your own peace and sanctity of your life now, as well as for the sake of your beautiful memories and the love you shared with HeeJun, I would consider that. You have a RIGHT to be free of anything that harms you, hurts you, or haunts you. You can do all of that and still send them love.
Stay strong and know that many friends are sending you love. I’m always grateful to have met you a few years ago.
~Iris
I’m truly sorry for the way your former in-laws have treated you. You probably should cut all ties with them to protect yourself. Why did they assume you had money to give them? If I were you, I would not have given them any money. I would give them some special possessions that belong to HeeJun. They should be ashamed of their behavior. Peace!
You don’t owe his parents money – you owe them NOTHING!
What you’ve given them already is more than enough.
I would stop communication with these people; WHY do YOU owe them money? You didn’t do anything to cause his death – you owe them NOTHING! Change your phone number, they aren’t love in-laws they are extortionists!!
i read this last night but i’m still pretty speechless. sheesh, the insanity of it all is mind-blowing. what i’m thankful for is for the forgiveness and graciousness that God’s given you through it. i know it’s a process and that He’ll keep giving it to you for years to come. So sorry you’ve had to carry this heartache along with your own grief. It makes me all the more thankful that you have true FREEDOM from all of the bitterness and self-pity and hopelessness that they’re so consumed by. I hope that God moves one day and that they’ll know the hope that you know. I definitely agree with others though and hope that you can move on and cut ties with them for now. If God can work in them down the road and change their hearts so that they can bring warmth into your life instead of bitterness then I pray that God will bring them back at some point. But you’ve reached out and showed them so much undeserved grace and love and I think it’s evident that only God can change their hearts at this point. I’m praying for peace in your heart about this from here on out. Much love to you friend!
I’m so sorry your former in-laws are acting this way. Grief makes people do strange things. But It doesn’t make it right. Praying for them and surrendering them to God is all you can do, and really the best thing to do. You’ve had enough hurt in your life to not continue to be burdened down by this. The illustrated book Tear Soup is an excellent book on the different facts of grief. If you haven’t heard of it I highly recommend it for yourself (and your inlaws if someone wants to send it to them). I enjoy your blog and am often encouraged and inspired by it. Thank you!
My prayers are with you all. I have been a long time reader of your blog and I love your writing and your inspiration for the hope of a new wonderful relationship post widowhood. This time, however, I could not believe what I was reading! You do not owe your in-laws anything, they should be grateful for what you did. When marriage occurs, parents are financially (among other things) separated. Just remember, HeeJun was born into his family, but he picked you because he loved you. God bless you, Erica.
Erica
I am so sorry you have had to go through this. HeeJun’s parents are taking their anger of his death out on you. While as a parent I can not begin to imagine what it must be like to lose their baby, I am appalled at how they are acting. I will surely pray.
In 1Peter, it talks about suffering for doing good and how blessed we are when we act the way God wants us to. You are doing that. Press on dear sister in Christ.
Also, I want to thank you for helping me discover ‘Before the Morning.’ I found the song here and listen to it often, thinking of it’s wisdom and praying for you.
Much love in Christ
Diane