All my little anxiety nuances have risen their ugly heads. I have been very grumpy this week and felt that stupid anxiety rock pressing on my chest. I had to remind myself several times at work this week to breathe. Two times this week I came home from work and fell asleep until the next morning, only waking up for dinner.
Chad asked me today to describe how I was feeling. It’s difficult to describe. For one, I’m not feeling that intense sorrow I felt in the years past. I’m not feeling that dread of another day. I actually look forward to the future. Remember when I used to wake up every morning screaming out the “F-bomb”? I think a lot of these feelings are “remembering feelings”. I’m reading old blogs and remembering that darkness. Sometimes it humbles me and amazes me to read how far I’ve come. This week, though I think it made me miss that. Weird, right? How can I miss feeling like I was walking through mud? How can I miss not being able to put one foot in front of the other? As I was thinking about it, I realized I miss it because when I felt like that I also felt the closest to God and to HeeJun. The only strength I had, however small, came from Christ. I miss that closeness, I think.
I told Chad now I guess I have to find that closeness in this melting pot of emotions; the joy and the grief. I need to find God and feel close to HeeJun in both the joy and the sadness, not just the sadness. Does that make any sense at all? Geez. My friend, Liz described it perfectly. I have the” joy of a newlywed mixed with the sadness of a young widow” all rolled into one beautiful mess.