Mar 302011
Is it weird that sometimes I miss the sadness? I guess I feel closer to HeeJun when I’m sad. I think I also feel closer to God when I’m sad. I think I also miss the “excuse” to not be all there. I worry people will think that either I didn’t love HeeJun enough or that I must be over the trauma and grief if I’m happy. That is so wrong. It’s still a weird thing when people are giddy and girly about the wedding. I want to tell them, “hold up, you have to know the whole story to really know how amazing it is”. I want to stop them and remind them. Sometimes I feel like if I show giddiness it will disrespect the grief. What is up with that?
We remember…….but are still so giddy! And HeeJun would be too; just remember that. Yea-LESS than 2 weeks. I love you!
Hey Erica… I felt a strong need to say hi and post to you when I read this blog entry. When I lost a baby I desperately wanted four years ago, I stayed in the darkness of grief a long, long time. I truly felt that only in that place and in my sadness could I still be connected to that soul that I loved so much. When I really let go of the sadness, my love for him didn’t stop. I started to feel him around me, guiding me, even more, and my thinking about it all got clearer. I was more clear than ever about the connection between souls that transcends bodies, and that even if he wasn’t here with me in this world as I wanted him, that the connection continued.
That lesson helped me a lot when my dad passed a few years ago. I was able to let him die without sending him off from me being in a state of fear about the loss.
I miss them both. I think about them both. I love them always. But I don’t need to be sad to feel that anymore. I think this is what is happening to you as you move forward in joy in your life now. You will always be connected to Hee Jun, and that love will be very real for you always. The connection between souls didn’t end when he left this world. You will come to see, with more and more consistency, that you can feel that love and connection even more clearly as you allow it to exist without the sadness, and in unision with your new joys. They are not dissonant.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I hope it does. I am always inspired by what you share of your journey. You are a wonderful person. I’m very blessed to have met you at TCI last year. You write about things that I think, but in such a way that brings me into thought and prayer. I thank you for sharing your story and your process. You are truly amazing and I am wishing you joy beyond your dreams ahead.
Ecstacy literally means “outside of body” and I hope the joys ahead are those that transcend the boundaries and limitations of love in the physical, and make room for all the love connections that are your soul.
~Iris