The 3 year post

Yesterday was the 3 year mark.  Brittany, Elizabeth and I went to Myrtle Beach again, like the past two years. We stayed in the water and relaxed on the screen porch in the evening. It is always good for me to be around them.

On the 9th I was craving to get home and lay in Chad’s arms and just cry. After I unpacked, Chad and I sat on our new porch swing and the tears just flowed. It’ s been a while since I felt like that.

 So, what is different this year? This year there is the struggle to balance the happiness with the sadness. There is the constant “should be” feelings. I should be sad. Last year I was sad. Why can’t I sob like last year? I almost feared the tears but also feared if they didn’t come. Grief is so weird.

 I also wasn’t so caught up this year in feeling alone. Last year I felt so alone, especially at work. I felt like everyone had forgotten or expected me to be over it. It was a terrible feeling. This year, the ones that matter, remember.

This year, though I am also filled with THAT hurt and anger and …almost hatred (eeek. Yep, I said it) over those people that said I would always be their daughter. I am just itching to write a seething and vicious blog post about all they have done to hurt me, but I am stopped by Sensibility, Good Judgement, Loving Kindness, and Maturity. Stupid Maturity.

This year HeeJun is missed. Always missed. We always remember and are still knocked down breathless when we think about his death. There was  a lot going on in my mind, but I have loved ones surrounding me who call, or write or hold me that help me figure out the mess in my head and process this 3 year mark.