I have a lot of anger. Mostly directed at one person, one incident. These feelings of abandonment and betrayal sneak up on me. I have a long list of things that were done that hurt me. I have a nasty and strongly worded post written, but never published…just waiting.
I need to forgive. Just one text or facebook status update sends me in a tailspin; reminding me about the abandonment, of the unacceptable things that were asked of me, of the betrayal. Then I remember how HeeJun died. I start thinking about blunt force trauma and what he looked like in the casket. Then the wonderful night I just had, the joyful feelings I just felt, disappear. All because of a few words on facebook.
How do you forgive? how can I forgive when I just want them to know how badly they hurt me? How wrong it is? How can I forgive? I know I need to. I want to tell them all the things they did hurt me. But I’m a coward. I need to forgive. It’s going to affect my marriage. I know Chad is strong enough to help me through this and to deal with my issues, but it’s not fair to him to bring this baggage into our relationship. Christ forgave me and I sure don’t even know all the wrong things I do.
So…I’m going to work hard on this. Pray for me.
I’ve been following your blog for quite a while. When I was struggling with forgiving someone, I flipped God the bird & walked away. For 10 years. I finally figured out, while I was being eaten alive by bitterness & hatred, that a. Satan had a foothold in my life. Actually, he was lying on the couch, eating ice-cream. And having a blast. Me…not so much. and b. that I just had to be WILLING to let God put the desire for forgiveness in my heart. Not feeling all warm & fuzzy, but just plain willing to let God do the work. And I did. Literally it felt like a 50 pound pack had been lifted off my back. And God was amazing. Worked me through it. I’ve never been the same. It can be that for you too, if you can just be willing to let Him change your heart. Don’t worry about forgiving someone right now. Just let God do the work.