What a weird feeling this is; to be in the middle of grief and joy. I have been growing in this area for a while. I miss him, but I love my life. I love HeeJun, but I love where I am now. I can’t believe he is gone, but I am still here. I still gasp at times when I think about how he died. Yet, I’m still laughing and loving.
I have this feeling like I SHOULD be sadder. I SHOULD be wallowing in the grief, refusing the celebrate thanksgiving, sobbing every night. I SHOULD. I did last year, and the year before. Because I am not, does that mean HeeJun is forgotten? Does that mean it never happened? Does that mean I’m over it? Does that mean he didn’t mean the world to me? Does that mean I don’t hurt? No, I don’t think so. But sometimes it feels like that. Guilt. For being happy.
I am happy. I am proud of who I am now. I love this life. Weird, right? How the heck did I get here?
I really love having my sister live with me. LOVE IT! I love the strong and real relationship I have built with my parents through this time. I love the genuine friendships I have made through this. I love my boyfriend. I love my puppies.
I love the compassion I have gained for others grieving. I love that I have learned to not sweat the small stuff. I love that my relationship with Christ has grown deeper and been strengthened. I don’t think I would have had that if it hadn’t been for this tradgey. I don’t think I would have been able to grow deeper in my relationships with most of my friends, family and Christ without having been knocked off my block, ripped from the insides and turned upside down. I love who I have become. I wonder if HeeJun would recognize me. I think he would be very proud of me.
Since everyone loves pictures, here are some from my cell phone camera.
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if anyone wanted to see proof that God is alive and at work in this world they could look at your life and know. Only He could’ve produced the life change you’ve experienced in the last few years. The poof redemption that He can bring is so evident in your life.
And Heejun will never be forgotten no matter what God has in store for you. He is a part of you at the core and you will take him with you every single day of your life. You’re right- he would be so proud of you for continuing to live and find joy and especially for being able to proclaim God’s goodness again. i’m proud of you too friend.
I go through phases of wondering what I ‘should’ be feeling, and whether it is right for me to feel as contented as I do on a day-to-day basis.
Possibly this blogging world is partly to blame. We tend to write about our emotions – usually the bad ones – as a way of working through them. So what people read about us when they visit our pages are the hard times, the sadness, the need for comfort. As time goes on those difficult days do become fewer, we get better at carrying our grief. And we have good times too, but it seems somehow wrong to write about those in a place that started out to talk about sadness.
Most of my days now are happy ones. I am comfortable in my skin and in who I am, but I find it very hard to write about that for reasons I cannot really explain. I carry R with me in my heart, just as you carry HeeJun and always will do. Happiness is a gift. Seize it with both hands and live – really live – every day as best you can.