Drained and then…Kellie Pickler

Apparently even though I was named beneficiary of accounts and insurance, without a will, there can be arguments and trust issues. Without going into too much detail, what a pain in the butt. It has only been two months and I am not ready to deal with financial issues or to make any decisions about the money yet. I was heartbroken that I felt I wasn’t being trusted. I was mad at HeeJun for leaving everything like this; for not being clear about what he wanted people to do with his money. I was drained from having to talk about these kind of horrible things. I still can not believe he is gone. At times, when I remember that he is gone, it takes my breath away literally. My whole body tenses up and it feels like all the air in being sucked out of me. It is hard to wrap my brain around the fact that he is not here to handle these issues. He is not here to make these decisions; even the little decisions are draining to me. I had to try to mow the lawn yesterday and I couldn’t get the mower started. Just another reminder. The hardest part of saying goodbye, is having to say it over and over again.

It was an emotionally and physically draining weekend. My whole body felt like jello. My shoulders desperately need a massage. My heart aches and I just miss my love. But God and HeeJun have a great sense of humor. As I am driving back to Charlotte from this horrible weekend, crying and being pitiful, a Kellie Pickler song came on. It starts off very sad and slow :When my time comes to an end. Don’t be sad. Don’t you shed one tear. Take me back to the place I love the most. All my best memories were made in my time here… Then suddenly it picks up and BOOM “Don’t be sad or broken hearted, Spread my ashes in the shoe department…Everybody knows that’s where I want be…Jimmy choo choo, saks fifth avenue for all eternity.” I was laughing out loud. It just reminded me that although I am sad and missing HeeJun, he is CHILLING WITH LEMONADE, joyful and glorious. All these little nuisances like insurance and lawn mowers are nothing compared to the joy HeeJun has now. It comforts me a bit. Just a little bit.