Seeing the beautiful babies and hearing about friends who are expecting is a weird kind of happiness for me. Of course, honestly, I am jealous. I don’t even think jealous describes my feelings exactly. Jealousy is a negative word. Seeing my friends children and hearing of their expected babies brings me joy, but makes my heart hurt. HeeJun and I wanted children so badly. We wanted a big family. We tried for years. It seems like it would have been so easy for God to just make that happen, right. There was about 3 days after HeeJun’s crash that I thought I was pregnant. This was not the plan. I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare.
And on a funny note; I went to the bank the other day to figure out HeeJun’s accounts. Seriously, I never saw HeeJun write a check ever. Everything was online and I didn’t know any of the codes. MAKE A WILL, PEOPLE! RIGHT NOW! So, at the bank the lady started out very sweet and kind. She held my hand and gave me a hug while I cried. Tears come at the weirdest times. But then, she wanted to know details about his accident. Was it his fault, was he speeding? I told her no it was not his fault and he was not speeding, he was very careful, and I whispered that it was a tree. She said “that will do it”!!!! I know I should have been infuriated that she was such a ignorant I-D-I-OT (as HeeJun would say) but it made me laugh later on. So, every body make a will, so your loved ones won’t have to listen to stupid people.