I remember a few weeks before HeeJ and I went to Alaska I posted a status update on Facebook that said I was “broken”. I was referring to my inability to get pregnant and that I felt broken. Oh, I was so naive. I scoff at that little girl now. I had no idea what broken really meant. What it feels like to really be broken. silly little girl.
I stare at the pictures of me and HeeJun in high school and college and it’s like looking at a stranger. More like a girl I heard about in stories, fairy tales. I can’t relate to her. I can’t recall her feelings. Sometimes I stare at her more than I stare at HeeJun. Who was that girl? So hopeful. With so many dreams.
I look at the girl in the pictures of my wedding. Pictures on vacations. Pictures to Alaska. Who is the girl? I don’t recognize her.
The irony is I look at pictures of me now, and I don’t recognize myself. When did I get short, dark hair? Where did that weight come from? Where did that pain behind the eyes come from? Where did that smile come from?
I wonder when the day will come that I look at a picture and say, “oh, there I am!”