Chillin' With Lemonade

My dear, courageous friend Elizabeth planned a retreat for her organization Soul Widows.

4 widows met and enjoyed time together talking, crying, laughing, and relaxing while Marvelous Mandy led us in discussions on grief and society & the paradox of finding joy while grieving.

Spending this time with these beautiful women who are not even a year to this grief strengthened me. and also scared me. I was able to be “that girl” who can tell them there is hope. One day you may laugh again and really laugh from your belly, so hard that you might pee your pants. I used to listen to “that girl” and call BULLSHIT. Now I am that girl. I’m the one laughing and being silly. It also scared me because I saw the pain on their faces and didn’t want to go back to that pain. I knew I was going to have to share my story and that terrified me. I haven’t shared the story in a while. I haven’t gone back to that place and that day in a long time. I was scared those feelings of being lost would return. I would like to say I dealt with it, but honestly I pushed them away and focused on helping the newbies get through the weekend. Helping others helps me. I know I’ll have to deal with it sometime soon, but not this weekend. Tonight, maybe.

It was a very intense weekend. Even eating pizza was intense.

Being there with these amazing woman was powerful. Seeing how far I have come was overwhelming.

Overwhelmed with gratitude.

(Did you know there is an ehow for this type of thing? That makes me laugh. )

Or more appropriately titled; How I learned to Date. Or How Erica Got Her Groove Back. Or God Has A Sense of Humor.

1st Guy: The sign

1. Meet a guy on an airplane on valentines day. Flirt a little.

2. Not impressed with his pictures of rocket ships and his impulse to say we are soulmates within 5 minutes of meeting.

3. Acknowledged that he was an answer to the prayers if I was ready to date.

4. High fived anyone nearby after getting off the plane! I flirted! I talked to a guy for 90 minutes without freaking out!

2nd dude:

1. Realized that I am not ready since I talked about HeeJun the whole time and might have witnessed the faster runner on earth after he dropped me off.

2. Acknowledged that this was not it, since I went home and just missed HeeJun. I missed the comfort. I cried after each date.

3rd guy: The Weather Man

1. Enjoyed the flirting.

2. Didn’t about HeeJun at all. The poor guy has no clue.

3. Just talked about the weather.

4. Missed HeeJun every minute I spent with him.

5. Freaked out when God uses his humor and has us seated right next to my sister-in-law at a restaurant! Really? Really?!

The Gift

1. The Gift needs a post all his own. There are not steps for him. I’m not even sure where to begin. He lets me talk about HeeJun all I want. He says he loves how I love HeeJun and he wants to honor HeeJun by taking care of me. Who says that?

I feel like God has been preparing me for this. Preparing my heart to be ready for this. The Gift understood that my heart was guarded. He respected that. He simply gets me. He sent me flowers. He opens doors for me. I think HeeJun and him would have been great friends. HeeJun would scoff that he opens door for me, but they would have been friends. I like having my door opened for me. I deserve it!

God, again, has a sense of humor. Guess what The Gift enjoys…motorcycles. Crap! You can see why my heart was so guarded. That was number one NO WAY JOSE on the list. But God said, “Erica, you ain’t got no control over this. Trust in me.” The Gift understands my trauma and anxiety and panic when I see, hear or think about motorcycles. He gets the reason why I just can’t deal with that. We will cross that bridge when we get there…

He loves Jesus. He had me at “Dear God”. I stand amazed daily that God has brought me here. I constantly say to him “how did this happen?” Where did this smile come from?

Even a few months ago, I wrote in my journal how much I hated my life. I just wrote, ” i hate my life” over and over again. It wasn’t in a “kill myself” kind of way, but I just longed for this life to be over. For Heaven to come. I couldn’t see joy ahead or any happy days. When you know what Heaven holds, why wouldn’t you yearn for it? I liked my life okay, I just really hated that it would go on for so long. I woke up every morning and yelled FUCK while getting out of bed. I can still feel the slow crawl of dread going up my spine.

Now I see Hope. I see Joy. It doesn’t all rest on this guy. I never want to be that type of girl that is only happy with a guy. But he has shown me that God does love. God does care. He cared enough to send me this gift. So there is Hope for Joy in my future.

Soul Widows Retreat

How to Date a Widow