Aug 102010
 

I found the piece of paper where I wrote everything HeeJun and I did before that day.

“Thursday, August 7th- Watched SYTYCD. Sad that Katee wasn’t the winner.
Friday, August 8th- I woke up 1st and showered. HeeJ was still sleeping. I rubbed his toes and went to work. I called him at 4:00 to tell him I was going to the library and going to pick up our Alaska pictures. Came home. He was sitting on the couch. He looked at the Alaska pictures and said they were bright. I started cooking spaghetti. He told me to come sit down when he saw that I was tired. We ate spaghetti and watched Friends. He went to play on the computer upstairs. I called him down to go for a walk. He wore his silver pants and white t-shirt with a hole in it. We walked around the block. We counted how many houses were for sale. I held his arm and commented on how soft it was. He said, “i use soap.” We returned and I went to chat with neighbors. He went in to watch the Olympics. He loved the drumming and fiber optics during the opening ceremony. I fell asleep on the couch. He woke me up around 11pm and we walked upstairs to bed. He smacked my bootie as we walked up the stairs. I fell asleep immediately.”

Then that day happened.

 Posted by at 4:12 pm
Aug 102010
 

Grief comes in waves. Crashing waves. I crashed yesterday. I have never felt such panic and anxiety. I couldn’t make it stop. Going to the doctor tomorrow because this is getting ridiculous.

My life sustainers came over for ice cream last night. It is always so wonderful to be around them. They have no idea how much it means to me to have them around and caring.

They were there for me on that day and have surrounded themselves around me ever since. It’s great to have that. I get a glimpse of what it’s like to not have support when I go to work. Everyone has forgotten. Nobody even mentions it or cares. If I show even the slightest bit of “losing it” I’m seen as incapable. Not a great feeling. I could focus all my energy on that bitterness and anger towards them. Instead I will focus on those life sustainers who show such love and compassion towards me!

 Posted by at 3:50 pm