Ah, yes. The motorcycle talk. It’s not fair that I hate them so much now. It’s not fair that my body cringes when I see one or see a helmet or even hear one. It’s not fair that tears stream down my face when I just imagine my boyfriend riding one now. Just imagining him in a helmet sends me into a wave of panic. It’s not fair that just hearing about my friends riding makes me sick to my stomach. I hear it and immediately put up a wall. “Don’t get close, Erica. You might get hurt. They might die”. It’s not fair that when I make future plans, I think
“unless we die”. It’s not fair that when my boyfriend says “that always reminds me of you”, I say “good. if I die, you’ll have something to always think of me”. It’s not fair that everytime I see a motorcycle I see HeeJun in the casket, his neck all swollen and makeup cracked. Dead. Dead. Dead.

I hear the arguments, “you can’t live your life in fear” or “you could get hit by a bus tomorrow and die” or “at least he died happy” and I cry BULLSHIT! Motorcycles are dangerous, but also I have a valid excuse to be terrified of them. Trauma can mess you up. And I know, I know, I know HeeJun would have much rather lived, then “died happy”. If we had known…if he had known…

It’s not fair, but such is my life.