Chillin' With Lemonade

How my mind works

Oct 142010

I’m driving home the other day, following behind my amazing boyfriend’s car. Just had a wonderful time. Just talked about our future. Just kissed. Just was smiling.

Then we pass a cemetary. Just like the one where we buried HeeJun. The same cemetary I went to at lunch while working to cry my eyes out when I couldn’t be at the one HeeJun’s is buried.

My mind drifts to remembering when I went there to cry at work. It drifts to the funeral, to the days I would spend just lying on the ground crying and talking to HeeJun, to the last time I visited. It reminds me that i need to go visit the spot. Then i remember the last time I went, and it was so funny. I actually laughed last time I was there.

So, my mind is drifting while driving. i’m missing HeeJun and still gasp when I think of what happened, that this happened to me, that HeeJun is not on this earth anymore. it’s crazy.

Then, i drift back. I look in front of me and I smile. This kind of thing happens all day long.

How Long?

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Oct 122010

How long, Oh Lord? How long will you make us suffer and wait for healing? Why did you allow B to become this sick? Why did you give us hope and then have him get even more sick? I thought we were done with this. My friends have hurt so much. Don’t you think we have learned our lessons? What are we doing wrong? Are we not praying enough? Did we not hold on to you enough after HeeJun died? Why are you doing this again? It doesn’t make any sense.

I know my fears are not from You. I know that God does not work that way. He doesn’t make bad things happen because we didn’t pray enough. He doesn’t punish. But, damn it feels like that sometimes. When B got sicker, I thought maybe I didn’t pray hard enough. I know that’s not how it works. But I’m being honest.

I was just getting to the point where I could see His hope and a future. I was just getting to the point where I could see “He works all things together for good for those who love Him”. Then BAM. It hits all over again. How can there be any good in this? B must get better. He must. I don’t want my friend to hurt anymore. It’s not right and it’s not fair.

“How long, Oh Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I bear pain in my soul, and have sorrow in my heart all day long? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord my God! Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death, and my enemy will say, “I have prevailed”; my foes will rejoice because I am shaken. But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.”

He’s been faithful before. He will be faithful again. I just need to trust that He’s got this.

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