Chillin' With Lemonade

What a weird feeling this is; to be in the middle of grief and joy. I have been growing in this area for a while. I miss him, but I love my life. I love HeeJun, but I love where I am now. I can’t believe he is gone, but I am still here. I still gasp at times when I think about how he died. Yet, I’m still laughing and loving.

I have this feeling like I SHOULD be sadder. I SHOULD be wallowing in the grief, refusing the celebrate thanksgiving, sobbing every night. I SHOULD. I did last year, and the year before. Because I am not, does that mean HeeJun is forgotten? Does that mean it never happened? Does that mean I’m over it? Does that mean he didn’t mean the world to me? Does that mean I don’t hurt? No, I don’t think so. But sometimes it feels like that. Guilt. For being happy.

I am happy. I am proud of who I am now. I love this life. Weird, right? How the heck did I get here?

I really love having my sister live with me. LOVE IT! I love the strong and real relationship I have built with my parents through this time. I love the genuine friendships I have made through this. I love my boyfriend. I love my puppies.

I love the compassion I have gained for others grieving. I love that I have learned to not sweat the small stuff. I love that my relationship with Christ has grown deeper and been strengthened. I don’t think I would have had that if it hadn’t been for this tradgey. I don’t think I would have been able to grow deeper in my relationships with most of my friends, family and Christ without having been knocked off my block, ripped from the insides and turned upside down. I love who I have become. I wonder if HeeJun would recognize me. I think he would be very proud of me.

Since everyone loves pictures, here are some from my cell phone camera.

For the past couple of days I have been having crazy dreams. I don’t know if it’s because of the holidays or my cold or something else.

Last night I had that reoccurring dream I kept having a few months back. The one where I know I have forgotten someone in the grave, but I’m too afraid to go get that person now. I always wake up feeling so strange after that dream. I can’t wrap my mind around what I have forgotten and I feel this incredible sense of urgency that I have to remember. Last night I dreamed that HeeJun was in a casket and the funeral people were driving him in some kind of parade. They got in a wreck and he woke up. He was alive and it was so natural for me. But then he died again in the hospital. So did my dog Juneau. Weird, weird dream. Very hard to shake that.

Fighting for joy. Put your dukes up!

I Should

Dreams and such