Chillin' With Lemonade

I have a lot of anger. Mostly directed at one person, one incident. These feelings of abandonment and betrayal sneak up on me. I have a long list of things that were done that hurt me. I have a nasty and strongly worded post written, but never published…just waiting.

I need to forgive. Just one text or facebook status update sends me in a tailspin; reminding me about the abandonment, of the unacceptable things that were asked of me, of the betrayal. Then I remember how HeeJun died. I start thinking about blunt force trauma and what he looked like in the casket. Then the wonderful night I just had, the joyful feelings I just felt, disappear. All because of a few words on facebook.

How do you forgive? how can I forgive when I just want them to know how badly they hurt me? How wrong it is? How can I forgive? I know I need to. I want to tell them all the things they did hurt me. But I’m a coward. I need to forgive. It’s going to affect my marriage. I know Chad is strong enough to help me through this and to deal with my issues, but it’s not fair to him to bring this baggage into our relationship. Christ forgave me and I sure don’t even know all the wrong things I do.

So…I’m going to work hard on this. Pray for me.

Major props to Chad. Putting up with me as a bride and as a widow earns him some major kudos.

When I first realized Chad had an interest in me, I was hesitant. I kept telling him and his friends that I was a mess. I warned him. One of his friends told me, “If anyone can handle your mess, Chad can.” They were so right.

Planning a wedding is fun and wonderful. But it also brings up lots of emotions of missing HeeJun, remembering HeeJun, and identity crises. I’m in love again, yet I still hurt.

The other day, I was hurting bad. I just couldn’t stop crying. What a wonderful thing to be able to lean on my fiancee and be held while my tears soaked his shirt.

Some bride’s think constantly about their dress or the reception site. Yesterday, Chad and I discussed where I will be buried and if it was appropriate to place a plaque with my name on HeeJun’s grave. Good times.

This guy is amazing.