I need to have a conversation with my dream life. I need to set some firm boundaries with my subconscious. Chad and I make a point to never play the “what-if” game. It can only lead to heartache and hurt.

Last night my dream decided to play the “what-if” game, though.

I dreamt that the past 2.5 years was a dream. HeeJun had never died. He came home after that ride and everything was normal. Except I knew. I remembered the dream. I knew everything that had taken place in the past two years. I had several emotions. This dream felt very real and seemed very long.

At first I was furious that he had played a joke on me. Then I was happy that he was back. Then I was sad that I had felt so much pain.  I told HeeJun the physical pain felt so real. The emotional pain was so intense. I was telling him all about dreaming that I couldn’t sleep, or eat and about crying everywhere. I told him about the funeral and his family. I made him write a will and get life insurance. And sell the bike!

Then I realized all the guilt I felt and what made me think I had done something to make him die. I realized I had to tell him my secrets. In my dream, I wished he were dead so I wouldn’t have to. So messed up.

Then I realized Juneau and Moorea weren’t mine. And Brittany never moved in. And I only knew Chad as an acquaintance. My dream suddenly jumped to us at a party with Chad and I knew about us, but he didn’t know me. I realized my friendships and rubber band gang were not as big a part of my life. I called Jacquie, Sarah, Amy and the rubber band girls to tell them about the dream and tell them how vital their friendship was to me in the dream. They all thought I was bonkers. I had to explain to HeeJun why my hair was so short, but then I realized I had never cut it. Then I started to explain why the house was painted, then I realized it was still the same awful flaming yellow.

In the dream I was also grieving the relationship I had lost with Christ. It was weird. I was telling HeeJun how the only way I got through “the nightmare” was having a relationship with Christ, and that my faith and trust in Him had only grown deeper. But now that he was back  and it was just a nightmare, I thought I would go back to just being the superficial Believer I was before.

It was the weirdest dream I have had in a while. It left me with this horrible conflicted feeling. I was so happy he never died, but so sad that this life never happened either.

Praise God that I don’t ever have to play the “what-if” game in real life.

I think that the dream also showed me that there are some wonderful, incredible, lovely things in my life now that I would have never had before. Beauty from ashes. It shows that I love this life. I love HeeJun and always will. I miss him every day. Sometimes my brain just sits and repeats his name over and over again. Like a meditation or a chant. Yes, I still miss him. I still love him. AND I love this life.

I really, really love it.