1. It’s Tuesday, right?

2. I’m at a conference at the beach for work. I had a little meltdown the first night being alone. I realized it’s the first time I’ve been alone without dogs or people since the accident. I realized it’s the first time I ever checked into a hotel on my own. I could almost hear the soundtrack, “all by myself” playing as I ate my spaghetti and drank my wine in the hotel retaurant.

3. I have become dumber. I have noticed that I can’t find words often and just go blank. I also stutter or slur words a lot now. It’s all related to the grief, I know. But I’m dumb. I have a hard time even reading a simple book, let alone answer these test questions for this conference.

4 I think I might need to go to a pastoral counselor. I have some many issues now with God. It’s impossible for me to say God is good. I scoff when I hear people say it or think they have no idea. I KNOW that’s not true. But it’s what my heart thinks. Counseling, much?

5. I would really like to get my garden going or finish painting or clean my house or finish scrapbooking, but I just can’t find the energy. Anyone know a good gardener?

6. I swam with about 20 dolphins today. For real. They were leaping and playing about 15 feet from me. HeeJun would have thought it was so cool.

7. My dogs are the most wonderful and precious pups ever. I was thinking the other day that a few things have come into my life directly because of HeeJun’s death; the dogs are one. Two very incredible friendships came back after the accident. J and S call weekly and our friendship has strengthened since. They knew I needed them and I am so grateful for them. And my sister. We talk just about daily now and again, our relationship has strengthened. I don’t say this as a “look at the good that came out of HeeJ’s death” or as a “I would rather have HeeJ”. It was just a realization. It would have been the best to have HeeJ, the pups, my sister and my friends all at the same time.

8. I love Vampire Diaries and Glee! The thought that it will be on, keeps me going all day. I know, they are sooo sinful, but oh, so good!

9.My back is freaking killing me. The shots only made it worse. I finally gave in and went to a wonderful chiropractor. He actually got me into a massage. Best massage ever. It really helped. Perhaps, there is hope.

10. I am addicted to facebook. But it annoys the crap out of me. I can’t stand when people complain about stupid stuff and I want to gag at the happy stuff. Lucky bastards is what I want to say. But then again, I still check it every day. Glutton for punishment.

A widow’s 10 just isn’t as fun, is it?