Uncategorized » Chillin' With Lemonade

To God Be The Glory

Oct 172011

I have been struggling to post lately for several reasons. One is that I don’t want to gloss over the pain that still exists by writing about all the wonderful things happening in my life. I also don’t want to sound trite about the happy things. I don’t want my words to sound like “oh, just get a husband and everything will be ok”. I also know that Chad and my family read this and I don’t want them to worry when I am sad. It’s a balance.

Then I realized I was thinking too much about myself. Getting to this place had nothing to do with me or, even Chad. It was all God. I hope you can read my story and recognize His presence.

God was there when I was in college and realized I wanted the relationship with Christ that HeeJun showed me. God called HeeJun to Him, which brought me peace to remember that when he passed.

God was there that day in August 2008 when I couldn’t breathe and couldn’t stop shaking. He was there to comfort me. He gifted me with family and friends who would show me His love and strength. He held me up during the funeral. He was there when I was shouting and so angry at Him, when my faith was shaken. He never left me.

He blessed me with a job that would allow me to slowly get my “mojo” back. He orchestrated Brittany moving in with me. He brought Chad into my life. He gave me peace during these changes.

He continues to give me strength and peace. He brought me through this and continues to rebuild me. He promises to always be there for me. He did not say that there will not be bad things that happen. Haven’t we seen that terrible, horrific, beyond comprehension things are going to happen? He did promise to be there when these things happen. ” And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”- Matthew 28

Muscle Memory

1 Response »

Oct 132011

This is the life we prayed for when we prayed that Christ would rebuild me and I would take up my tambourine and dance again. (Jeremiah 33)

BUT sometimes my muscles, my mind goes back to the grief and ache. Especially when I am stressed. I have been pretty stressed at work lately. Driving into work my mind and body start to remember that feeling of hopelessness and sadness. I really have to stop myself and pray. I have to remind myself that God is in control and is faithful. He brought me through the worst of the worst and He will be there for me during this time.

It’s weird. I wonder if this happens to other grief survivors. My mind over reacts to even the simplest stressful incident. My emotions immediately go back to all the anxiety and depressive thoughts. I start thinking about how HeeJun died. I start to imagine that day and go over that day for me. Why do I do that? Even something stupid like being frustrated at work makes me go down that road.

Praise God for Chad. After a stressful day at work, when I am driving home in tears and just want to crawl in bed and stay there, I can lay my head on his strong chest and remember God is faithful. I can breathe again. My safe haven.

Older Entries Newer Entries