I’m not sure why, but while listening to the message today at church, my mind went back to HeeJun’s funeral and memorial service. I remembered being at the church and a friend ushering me and my family to a separate room so we wouldn’t have to face people yet. I remember walking in and seeing all the comforting faces. I remember Steve and Mama Penny singing. I don’t recall if the Kims sat next to me. I vaguely think they may have sat on the other side of the room. Maybe…Or maybe that was just during the part where everyone shakes hands and says their condolences. I remember the Rubberband gang bringing me food and forcing me to take a break (Thank God) from the condolence line. I remember holding a sweet miracle of a baby.

I remember at the funeral pulling up to the  gravesite and walking to it with my mom holding me up. I remember leaning on my mom’s shoulder during the service feeling like I was going to pass out. That stupid tent made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. Sucked all the air out of the world.  Where were the Kims? Behind me? Across the seats? I should have been near them. They should have been near me. I remember a few people that came through the line at the end, but vaguely. I remember passing out lemonade. I remember watching Mama Kim fall on the coffin weeping and being carefully rushed away from the scene.

After the funeral we went over to my best childhood friend’s house (which happened to also be my next door neighbor). Food and wine! I remember feeling overwhelmed and having to go outside. I sat on their front porch and rocked in the porch swing with my close friends. It worked out perfectly. I didn’t have to be the center of attention and be overwhelmed, but I could say goodbye and thank you to everyone as they left. Ha! I remember a high school friend passing out business cards and some people being very drunk!

I wonder what triggered these thoughts today. Most of the time I let my mind embrace these memories and thoughts. It’s good to let it in. Usually there is one thing that sticks out that I am trying to wrap my brain around. Apparently I am trying to remember where the Kims were in these memories. Maybe that is where it all went wrong.

It’s also comforting to remember all the family and friends who wrapped their loving arms around me. Oh! That’s where these thoughts came from! In church today we were talking about a church should be your home; somewhere you can go for comfort. The message reminded me about those days.

The grieving brain is a funny thing, isn’t it? It just hops all over the place.