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S’now way Jose.

Mar 022009

God knew I needed a snow day. I just needed an emotional and mental break. I needed to sleep in and work from home in my PJ’s. I needed to take Juneau on long walks to clear my head. Not that anything really overwhelming and stressful happened. I just needed a break. I needed to sit with my pictures and HeeJ’s journal and just remember.

Some thoughts this week…

ABC could have warned me about Brother’s and Sister’s! I mean for real! First Ghost Whisperer, now Kitty! Geez.

Went to A’s baby shower. Do you think she will mind if I just live vicariously through her? I held it together for the shower and pretty much attached myself to D’s adorable daughter (can’t cry when you’re holding a baby), but on the way home it hit me. I also was on Benadryl this weekend and it made me all groggy and “watery”.

I got to have lunch with a huge group on my old Campus Crusade friends and their hubbies and babies. It is so comforting and warming to be around old friends. I can’t explain why. Sometimes it is hard to see happy and joyful people. but most of the time it is just good to see old friends. It’s like a reminder that I once didn’t feel this way. watery, watery.

In church on Sunday, K was saying sometimes painful, horrible hurt will happen, but God will use that to transform and make things whole again. I hope so. I hope that this pain, that B’s hurt, and O and A’s hurt will be transformed one day to bring them closer to Jesus. I just can’t imagine that now. i can’t imagine anything beyond this ache. Also, it was the first time i took communion. watery watery woo.

“We do not want to lose our grief (we don’t want time to heal), because our grief is bound up with our love and we could not cease to mourn without being robbed of our affections. Perhaps the grief and the love will always be wedded to each other to some degree, like two sides of a coin. But maybe after a while, when we flip the coin, it will almost always be the love that turns up on top”.- Daily Meditation

“Again rises from the heart of suffering the ancient cry, O God, why? O God, How long? And the cry is met with silence- Jim Cotter- Some days we seem to be managing well, confident we can face the future. There are other days- and nights- when we feel utterly abandoned, left in a dark room alone, when the universe seems a vast and unfriendly place. It is hard to remember that we ever felt any other way, or believe that we will ever feel better again. While there are things we can do to be ready for a brighter time- rest, eat properly, read, pray, talk with people- the prevailing wisdom seems to be that such dark nights are simply to be endured, waited out. They will not last forever. And one day- perhaps, as a surprise- we will realize the cloud has been lifted.” So, there is hope, huh?

My dog loves snow. So much that he thinks it’s fun to hump the snow. Unacceptable!

the in between place

2 Responses »

Feb 272009

Have you ever watched Hook? There is a line in the movie when Tinkerbell tells Peter that she exists in the place between sleep and awake. That is how I have been feeling. Kinda.

Maybe I shouldn’t read people’s blogs anymore or facebook status’. I just end up either so sad or so bitter. Last night after reading all these, I just couldn’t grasp that this was my life and those other posts were going on. That babies were being born, and people were having dinner with their husband, or going for walks, or celebrating parties. I had a notion that that was my life, too. I couldn’t wrap my brain around that it wasn’t. I know it doesn’t make sense. I mean, reality is right in front of me. But the brain can be funny. Sometimes I feel like I can’t figure out which life is real. Did the life I had, the love I had with HeeJun really happen? Was all that real? Is all this real? Each life, I realized, are so different. Drastically. So sometimes, it feels like I have been doing this life forever. Then I realize, no, i did have something more before…
I used to wake up in the dark with HeeJun by my side. i used to have to get up on the 2nd alarm so i wouldn’t wake up HeeJun. This life, I hit the snooze for an hour before i roll out of bed and turn on the light.
i used to get dressed in the closet and blow dry my hair and put on makeup in the spare bedroom while HeeJun slept. this life, i do it all in the bathroom with the light on and blaring the music.
i used to eat breakfast. this life, i rush and eat cheerios in the car, while putting on makeup in the car.
i used to have HeeJun laying on my left to wake me up when i was sleep walking. now i sleep on his side (just started doing that) and who knows how much i am sleep walking. I used to stress at work about getting home before him. this life, i try to stay at work as long as i can so i won’t be alone in the house.
i used to not have a dog.
i used to not drink coffee every hour.
i used to work out at a gym.
i used to cook dinner for HeeJun and sit down at the coffee table to eat. this life, a bag of tostitos usually suffices. i used to not eat ice cream.
i used to call HeeJun at 4:30 every day on the way home.
i used to love siting at bookstores with HeeJun on Friday nights, reading magazines. I used to be able to read more than one paragraph a week in a book.
i used to have someone to make decisions with about traveling, money, taxes, churches…
i used to have someone to kiss.
i used to watch American Idol.
I used to love curling up next to HeeJun on the couch watching movies on weekends. Funny, I used to get mad that he had the better side of the couch. Now, i still sit on the bad end of the couch.
I used to love shopping while he was riding.
I used to go to On the Border every week with HeeJun.
I used to watch motorcycle racing.
I used to have another half.
I used to not know how to blog.
This life is so different. Which one is for real?

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