Yep, I did it. I went to the Whole Woman Day with Mary Kassian. I think Mary went inside my head and plucked out all my thoughts and feelings. After looking at the notes before her first session, i thought “Holy Macaroni, Is she speaking to me?” She spoke of the widow in 1st Kings that is at the bottom of her barrel, literally; about to give up, about to give in to the pity party. I wrote on my notepad PERSPECTIVE; Be Cross Eyed.

God has a much bigger perspective than what I have right now. He can see things that i can’t even imagine. I also was comforted in the thought that HeeJun also has/had that perspective. He always did. if something like this happened to HeeJ, I don’t think his Faith would even waiver, not for a second. I saw during family crises over and over again from him. He knew who His God was and He knew that God was the same before bad things happened and after bad things happened. Another word I wrote down was Persevere. sigh. to persevere. push on. hold onto my Hope.

Oh, and Hello! She pulls out the scripture from Hebrews that has been bugging the crap out of me. again, His perspective is soooo much bigger than mine.

My jaw hurt so bad from holding back tears during that session. I didn’t want to let it go, because it would have been one of those gut wrenching sobs that sometimes even sound like snorts. and that would have been embarrassing. but after the session, we started singing and here come the tears. oh, well. let ’em flow.

I decided to go to the Sowing Seeds of Sorrow small group session. Oh boy. Just walking into the room, i couldn’t hold back the tears. even the poor group leader had difficulty getting through her lesson without sobs. it was comforting yet again, to be surrounded by women who “just get it”.

Seeing old friends from school and from Crusade was wonderfully healing. I can’t describe why it is so comforting. Maybe it is a selfish sense of wanting to be prayed for and thought of, maybe it is a reminder that life was once so much fun and so hopeful, maybe it’s just cause my friends ROCK,…i’m sure it has something to do with God bringing them into my life, right? I hope i didn’t freak them out too much. sometimes, i can be too honest and open about what is going on. i know tears can make people feel weird. i bet the snot dripping down my nose and the puffed up eyes make people uncomfortable,too.

I went to the Satisfied In The Savior session, too. I admit. I’m just not there. It was hard to hear people complaining. I am sure they were not complaining, but to me it sounded like it. I remember being like that, too. Just desiring something so much that it is all you can focus on; marriage, baby, a new home, a new job. it takes over your thoughts. but i just could not say, :well, erica, be satisfied in Your Savior during this time, cause just like all those other times, He will provide. I am not satisfied with this circumstance. i admit I am wrapped up in this circumstance. HeeJun was a HUGE fan of John Piper. Piper says, “God is most Glorified when we are most Satisfied in Him”. He also says, “..The most fundamental thing we can say about God is that he is sovereign. So that is where I begin. I begin at the bottom, the root, the foundation of all we cherish, all the grace, all the love, all the patience, all the faithfulness, all the forgiveness, all the security and hope and peace and joy. all these things rest on the deep and glorious sovereignty of God. If God is not sovereign, he is not God, and all our hope is dashed.”

So I will push on. I will persevere. I will run the race to be satisfied, to glorify, and be in his presence. today. we will see about tomorrow.