May 022009
 

I know. That post title sounds so sad and heartbreaking. But it fits. I don’t know if it is still the exhaustion from the trip or that this weekend would have been WOULD HAVE BEEN our wedding anniversary. I have felt weighted down, like walking in jello. The tears have been “right there” all week. My kids at work said “mrs. erica, you look like you just woke up”. I just didn’t feel like doing anything, getting out of bed, talking to people, even walking the poor dog. I zone out almost immediately in meetings and just don’t really care what people are saying to me. I have difficulty staying focused and decided I shouldn’t be driving this weekend since my focus is not what it should be. I haven’t even cared about watching tv or reading my gossip magazines! I was telling a friend about how I was feeling and he said “erica, that’s what depression feels like…”

Oh.

Well, that’s what I am supposed to feel like. If I didn’t, then there would be a problem. I am very wary of medications, so don’t suggest meds. and I am still doing ok. even though i was feeling like this, i still did my gardening at work, i still took juneau for walks, i still got out of bed. I have called in the “troops and warriors” for this weekend. I know I could not face this weekend alone.

I went out for drinks (shocking, I know) and air hockey last night with my amazing co-workers. Seriously, some of them came from 45 minutes away, feeling sick, with no money, just to support me. My dear friend Jax is coming today to go shopping with me. Wonderful church friends are going out to eat Cheeesecake tomorrow with me. I’m actually excited.

So, this is what depression feels like. but it is also, what hope and comfort feels like, too.

 Posted by at 1:04 pm
Apr 282009
 

HeeJun and I went on many vacation together. He “worked hard, so he could play hard”, and he wanted to go on big vacations. We always talked about going to New York, but something always came up.

While married we visited;

Bora Bora

New Orleans

Cape Breton

San Fransisco

Charleston

Chimney Rock

Alaska

This trip to New York was fun and busy. It was so good to see friends and I was the typical tourist taking pictures and gasping at Times Square and Central Park. Ah, I loved Central Park. there were moments were the hurt of not having HeeJun there overshadowed the fun, but I had great friends to make me laugh and that really cared.

I’m laughing in this picture. Really laughing. How did that happen?

I won’t go into too much detail about the trip, because, to be honest, I don’t want to.

New York
Diverse- So many cultures!
Tough Survivors-so many subways and buses! i loved the whispers of “dolce gabana, coach” in my ear while we walked through China Town
Too cool- what did New Yorkers do before Ipods and Cell Phones?
Movies and celebrities.- I saw BJ Novak (ryan from the Office)

I wonder what HeeJun would have thought. I wonder how we would have experienced New York together?

I think it was the overwhelming exhaustion-it is seriously the city that never sleeps- and the fact that i had been running full steam ahead while in New York, that I collapsed emotionally when I reached the airport. I just started crying and couldn’t stop. At home, the tears became wails. I haven’t cried like that in a while. I was so tired. And it felt like the ache would tear me in two or that my heart was going to shatter. I couldn’t breathe. Thank goodness for Juneau and Psalm 42m and Mocha Frappachinos.

 Posted by at 6:50 pm