For the past week or two I have had no connection to the Internet or to my land line. I was way too lazy to even think about fixing it, or to even care. Suddenly, today I decided to sit down and figure out what was the problem. I did it! All by myself. Very big deal. This was HeeJun’s area. There have been many of these “issues” that I have had to face. Things that I relied on HeeJun to do, but now I have to figure out, things that I used to do for or with HeeJun that I have to do alone now. Some I decide to deal with, some I will put off for another day.

I have had trouble sleeping this whole week. I have tried everything. Milk, a glass of wine, meditative music, running, reading, crying…nothing works. The meditative music puts me to sleep for a while but then I wake up screaming or thinking there is someone in the room. Last night I woke up and could have sworn a homeless man had roamed into my room. In my “sleep brain” I absolutely believed that he had just read the directions wrong for the shelter and had ended up in my room. I calmly told him that he was in the wrong place and directed him to leave. as i was falling back to sleep, i still thought that he was in my house. sleep brain is weird.

Since i have not been sleeping, I have also not been waking up in time for work, or if I do get there in time, I am a zombie. I have the most understanding co-workers in the world.

My brain is running a million miles a minute. Can’t focus on anything. ADHD, much? Even writing this post, I have stopped three times to indulge in another distraction or to just blank out. I have had whole conversations with people where I just completely zone out and am thinking about something else and sometimes I’m not even caring about what they are saying. I’m just hearing blah-blah-blah.

I heard someone say “this doesn’t ever get easier, it only gets more familiar”. i thought about that for a while. there are still moments where I think about “that day” over and over again. but those thoughts do become more familiar. that feeling of not being able to breathe becomes just another part of breathing. the pain in seeing troopers on the road-more familiar. the ache and yearn to scream at motorcycles– yep, i recognize that. the habitual desire to pick up the phone and call HeeJun-embraced that. the longing, the screaming, the anger, the tears, the “why’s“, the “what shoulda been’s“, the memories- yep, they get more familiar. I remember the first time I fell on the steps and cried, really sobbed, hysterically. I scared me. I had never cried like that before. Now, I’m a master. It’s familiar.

There is a tv show on Soap Net called Being Erica. The girl gets to go back and redo her life in a way. This last episode was about going back to say goodbye to her brother. it made me start thinking about what if i could go back. some people say they would go back and never fall in love with the person they lost (butterfly effect, anyone?), but better to love and lost and all that mumbo jumbo. i know HeeJun knew i loved him, he still knows. but it would have been nice for me to have said one last i love you. i guess i can use my regrets to inspire others to not worry about the stupid things, and to enJOY it all. it would also be nice to go back to that day where HeeJun turned to me and said, “what would you think if i got a motorcycle?” i would not have laughed. but if you watch the movies or listen to the philosophers, something else would have happened. God’s plan and all that.