Uncategorized » Chillin' With Lemonade

There is a time…

May 252009

A time to Mourn and a time to dance…and a time to crash.

This weekend I found time to do all three. I find it interesting that God chose to put mourn and dance in the same lump, like laugh and cry. It makes the word mourn a VERB, an action where your whole body feels it, aches.

I have been going through HeeJun’s clothes this week to make piles for a quilt that a new friend will be making for me. I have been doing this at night. So to those co-workers that I fussed at or lost my temper with, it wasn’t you. To those callers that I seemed distant towards, it wasn’t you. i had other stuff on my mind. you didn’t know and i’m sorry i snapped at you.

I find that I think the most about “that day” and about HeeJun and about my future, the what shoulda been’s and the why’s, while I am driving. Especially on the 2 and a half hour drive to family. My mind just races and meanders and slows down and wanders to thoughts of him and “that day”. So when I get to my destination, I am zonked and crashing. so many thoughts. just racing through my mind. memories of that day haunt me.

This weekend, I danced. In a circle with my “ladies of ’98” just like we used to do. Dancing and belting out the words to song as loud as we could.

HeeJ would have hated this weekend. He hated dancing. He didn’t drink. He didn’t like getting dressed up and talking to people. he would have complained the whole time, been appalled at what i was eating, not drank, and not danced with me. Man, i wish he had been there.

Idol and Dancing

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May 212009

I had a hard time watching American Idol this season. I didn’t watch it at all until last night. No idea who Adam or this Kris guy was. It was just too hard to remember HeeJun laughing at me when I tried to sing or saying, “the worst part of Idol is that afterwards you always sing for hours after”. He laughed that he couldn’t hear the actual music because I was singing over it. It was hard to know that he would miss this season.

I was able to watch it last night, the finale. I ended up singing with the songs loudly and singing all night, hearing HeeJ laughing and whining that I was tone deaf.

So You Think You Can Dance started tonight. I had no idea how I would react. It was HeeJ’s favorite show. One of his motorcycle buddies commented that during one of their track days, HeeJun stole the remote and made them sit and watch SYTYCD. HeeJun was comfortable in his love of watching a good hip-hop routine. We always watched it together, rushed home to watch it, high fived on Thursday nights so excited. I always paused and put the dances in slow motion to try to do the moves. HeeJun would laugh, oh that precious laugh, I miss that laugh. I loved making him laugh. There was one move where I would try try try and could never get- popping my arms at my chest while shaking my bootie. It would put him in hysterics on the ground.

I wasn’t sure if I would even be able to watch it this year. Even these seemingly stupid and mundane things are hard, right? But I did watch it. Some tears, some longing for him to be next to me on the couch admiring the poppers and lockers. Mostly smiles at the memories.

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