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About Jesus

Jun 022009

I remember craving the Lord. I remember listening to songs like “He kept me” by Kurt Carr or “Always” by Hillsong and just feeling YAHOO Yippee! I remember wanting to run to Him. Now I hear those songs and struggle. I listen to those songs and some Matt Wertz and some Daphne loves Derby every night before I go to sleep. I was walking Juneau today and “He Kept Me” was on my Ipod. I know I looked like a crazy person with my hands punching and dancing. haha!

Oh, there’s an example of my brain going a mile a minute. Off track. So, as I was saying. I remember feeling so joyful in the Lord, but that was before anything bad had ever happened. Even after the miscarriage, I trusted the Lord. I trusted that He would make MY plans happen one day. Key word; My plans. To quote Dumb and Dumber; “Samsonite. I was way off”!

I am so hesitant now to say I will trust Him or to praise Him or to say that He loves me. I know I’m wrong. I know HeeJun is with his Savior and that he is screaming and wanting to shake me with these thoughts I am having. But I wish I knew my Lord better. I wish I understood this love. I felt like I knew Him, but I didn’t even have a minuscule grasp on what it means to put your trust and faith in Jesus. Not until something shakes your whole universe, can you truly grasp what it means to trust Him. Not until i questioned if I was truly loved, if I was being punished, if I was being disobedient, not until my plans were destroyed by a tiny tree and a motorcycle, did I truly…oh I don’t know. I was going to write “truly begin to trust Christ” or “begin to crave this relationship” but none of that is true. It’s the struggle that will bring me closer to Him, though. I know this. Even though He seems so far away, I know it’s me that is putting the distance between us.

I struggle with the quote, “By praising God in all circumstances, things will begin to turn in your favor.” Huh? So if I praise God all the time, He’ll give me what I want? Is that how He works? What about the story of the giraffe mama kicking her new baby when he was down “to teach him how to get up”. Someone compared God to that. Is that how He works? I think His ways are so far beyond anything I can understand.

What I do know for sure is that He is the only one who can turn my mourning into dancing.

Some things off the Jesus track;

These past couple nights I have woken up with the feeling that someone else is in the room, not in a creepy ghost like way, but in a “the brain doesn’t realize yet” way. I woke up once and thought someone was breathing next to me, and in my weird dream like state (I sleep walk all the time and would be a great sleep study participant) it’s hard to shake my brain awake. I was watching Jon and Kate last night and saw a girl on it that I know (Go Rec Therapy!) and I almost turned to the spot where HeeJ watched TV and said “hey, I know her”.

My neighbors have been mowing my lawn on a consistent basis and been very anonymous about it. SO kind. Well, stupid Home Owners Association wrote me up for having weeds and grass that was above 2 inches! I think I will write them a strongly worded letter or give them dirty looks.

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May 312009

I logged on today without any idea of what I would write about. There are some nay things going on in my head and heart. Is it a sign of healing that I don’t feel the need to blog about all of it? In the beginning, getting those feelings out was one of the bigger sources of comfort. Or maybe it is because there a million things I could write about, but i have no idea how to narrow it all down.

I finding it harder and harder to feel lately. To fake the smiles and to care. Not in a depressive kind of gloomy way. A good friend (you rock) described it perfectly. My threshold for feelings and pain is way way way up there, so any other news or sad story just doesn’t faze me much.

Again, I set my alarm to make it to church, and yet again, didn’t go. I had a dream last night that HeeJun was here, back, in my dream. I knew in my dream what had happened. It made sense in my brain to have him here though. In this dream he was furious at me. He was yelling at me because I was drinking coffee, eating ice cream, not working out, spending money, drinking wine, not cleaning the house, not doing laundry, gaining weight. These are all the things we argued about in our marriage. In my dream, I wanted him gone so I could enjoy all that stuff again. WHAT THE HELL?!?! I woke up crazy. I felt like I had to go back to sleep and find him again so I could apologize and say “no, no no, I don’t want you gone. i would rather have you here. Come back. Come back”. But I couldn’t go back to sleep and couldn’t pull myself out of bed to get to church. I also know that it was just a dream. But seriously, he would be furious at what my life has become.

I want to start a scholarship in HeeJun’s honor for Campus Outreach’s Christmas Conference. I have this vision to have a big dinner ride and raise money for a college kid to go to the conference. It’s where HeeJun accepted Christ. He wanted to be the kind of man that a kid could come to for financial support and he could give it. I have no idea where to start.
I need to start selling his motorcycle stuff. No idea where to start.
I might get a second weekend job. YMCA, maybe…I need $. But i love sleeping in and coming home to my dog. Getting Juneau was the smartest thing and best thing I could have done. he is the perfect dog for me.

I’m really craving a good hamburger. Oh, and a LongHorn shrimp appetizer. And On The Border Chips. it’s hard for me to go to places alone, and to justify spending the money. I know I could call a friend to go with me, but what if they’re busy? I don’t want them to feel pressured or guilty. Man, I would love a burger right now. mmmm…and some good Korean BBQ.

To the man at the stoplight who thought I was insane: I apologize for scaring you. I had to throw my hands up and start dancing. You would understand if you knew all the things going on in my head. My brain came to a boiling point and I just had to break it down to let it out.

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