Erica

You’re going down

6 Responses »

Dec 302009

I have been wrangling and wrestling with this issue for a while now.

The issue of cynicism and bitterness.

Oh, I used to hear good news and I would be happy for the new mother, or new couple, new employee,….

Then, I learned that bad things happen.

Now I hear good news, and I think “well, that’s nice that you’re pregnant, but don’t you know sweet little baby girls can die at 40 weeks the day before their due date. Don’t you know, mamas can go in to hear the heartbeat and it’s gone…

That’s nice that your husband is so great, but don’t you know that husbands can walk outside and have a heartattack.? Don’t you know that a brave soldier can turn his head to help someone and get shot? Don’t you know that car wrecks happen? Don’t you know that beautiful mothers can go in for a routine exam and stop breathing?”

What can I do with these thoughts? They have almost become a saracstic “you’ll be lucky if this doesn’t happen to you” thought when i hear about good news. It’s horrible and I don’t like it.

What if I embraced these thoughts and let them take hold? Can you imagine what I would become? “Erica, I’m 32 weeks pregnant!” “Well, you better watch out, because your baby might die.” “Erica, I just got engaged!” “Well, let’s hope he doesn’t die.” Horrible thoughts, right? No one would want to hang out with crazy Erica.

So, I decided to beat those thoughts into submission.

What I mean is, I can’t run or hide from the fact that I now know horrible, terrible things happen. Knowing this could make me fearful to live life, or mad and bitter when others are living it. Instead, I will allow these thoughts to teach me to hold onto and enjoy every moment of life.

No, that’s a lie. Right now, I’m not quite at the place where I can “enjoy every moment”, but maybe I can help others not take life for granted. Maybe, because I know bad things happen, I can help others when it does happen. Cause, baby, I’ve been there. Maybe I can remind people and myself that even though horrible, unthinkable tradegy happens, God is still going to be here to comfort us. He’s never going to leave. He hates that we’re hurting and he weeps with us.

So, when I have these fleshy thoughts, I choose to tell the happy person to enjoy every moment and remind myself that God is with them, and me always.

Curtains and Wii

3 Responses »

Dec 302009

I woke up the day after Christmas with the desire to put up curtains. My protective dog barks at every passing neighbor or dog, so I thought curtains would help decrease his barking. My incredible dad worked hard to put curtains up in the dining room and kitchen. What a great change, right? Wrong.

Then, my parents left. The house was empty. The curtains were closed. The world couldn’t see me. I couldn’t see the world outside. People won’t know I’m still here. I’m alone. I lost my mind. I cried like i haven’t cried in a while. Perhaps, they were tears that i had been holding in for a while/ I felt trapped and panicky. Then, suddenly I realized (Holy Spirit style) that it was the curtains. The curtains. Open the curtains, Erica. You are not alone.

Isn’t it amazing how one little thing can set you in a tailspin?

it would be very easy to keep those curtains closed and to let myself drown in the panic and darkness. But I choose to open the curtains and let The Light in.

Oh, I also got a wii. Dude, HeeJun would have loved it. I chose to play Wii, instead of being sad that he isn’t there to play it with me.

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