Driving home from work every day, I pass a church that put up on their sign “God’s plan for your life is better than your plan.”

Oh really?

At first I scoffed and thought “yeah right”. My plan was to be HeeJ’s wife forever, to glorify Christ in our marriage. My plan was to have two kids, to put the little girl’s hair up in a cute pony tail on the top of her head. To watch HeeJun teach his son to play baseball. To teach them about Christ. My plan was to stay at home and maybe work at the YMCA. My plan was to grow old with HJK.

This doesn’t seem better. Freaking out in Walmart because I see families. Feeling like I can’t breathe. the ache of loneliness. the constant replay of that day in my head. not having HJK here. Not better.

One day as I drove by that sign I asked, “really, Lord? Is your plan better? Right now, mine seems waaaaaay better.”

He answered, ” I know. I’m hurting with you. I know you can’t see on my side of this, but I’m going to be there with you every step. I will give you breath when you can’t breathe. I will lift that weight off your chest. I will give you strength.”

I asked, “Lord, is this it for my life. is this all there is? And if it is, how do I find contentment and satisfaction in that? HJK’s favorite quote was God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him- Piper. How will I ever be satisfied? how do I find that now?

He answered, “you will. keep fighting.”

Then I felt a challenge coming on. “Ok God. Bring it on .”

Please, bring it on…. ’cause this part sucks.