Erica

The death march begins…with a smile

Jul 182011

The first year and the second year. Crazy.

I feel like I have mastered what I need during this death march. For HeeJun’s birthday, I need to get away and do something fun. This year, Chad and I went to the New River to go paddling for the weekend. Pictures to come, I promise. Today I took the day off of work not knowing what I would feel like.

I woke up with a smile. The “what if’s” and “why’s” from years past are not here today. The “shoulda’s ” have not visited yet. I woke up smiling remembering where I was a few years back and where I am now. God gives strength to the weak. I am amazed at where He has brought me and how He brought me through. How did I get from that dark, dark, darkness to here? It’s humbling.

I call these months the “death march” (borrowed/ stolen from another widow blogger). July 1st, I start planning what I am going to do for his birthday. Where will I go? Who will I be with? Will I get a cake? I start planning what I will do for the Alaska time anniversary. Do I have the photo album out? Will I look through it? I start planning what I will do for the date of his death. Where will I go? Who will I be with? Thinking that I have some control over things helps a bit.

Haha! I just remembered the time I forgot his birthday. I was in West Virginia for the summer and he was in Myrtle Beach. Both of us were doing mission trips. He called me that night and we talked about nonsense. I remember thinking he sounded a little off and peeved for some reason. The next day, I looked at the calendar and screamed! Eeeek! I had forgotten his birthday! That will never happen again now!

Happy birthday, Snarflarkle Snarf.

The plaque

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Jul 112011

A few weeks before Chad and I got married I bought a plaque to put on HeeJun’s grave. For some reason it was important to me that people knew that he was married, that he had a wife and that I existed in his life, I guess. I can’t visit the grave regularly and probably wouldn’t even if I lived near it, but it was important for me to have something there that linked us. I also don’t think I will be buried there…maybe sprinkled a little, I don’t know…so I wanted my mark to be there in some small way. It was also a way to remind his family I was still here, I guess.

So, the plaque came in a few weeks ago. Perfect timing for my trip to Raleigh to get my hair done and visit friends. Chad and I stopped at the cemetery on the way back to Charlotte. Is he not amazing? Chad walked me to the spot and helped me place the plaque down. He asked if I wanted to stay for a while. I didn’t. It’s not a place I need to be anymore and HeeJun isn’t there.

It was a surreal moment, looking back. Chad and I held hands walking to the spot. He took the plaque from my hands and helped lay it down. While walking back he kissed me. We kissed on the same ground I stood for the funeral. We kissed on the same spot I thought my life would never find joy again. We kissed on the spot where my faith was shaken and where I laid with the darkest, heaviest part of my soul. We kissed and I was happy!

The plaque says

“Love Never Dies

Always

Your Wife, Erica”

And some adorable pictures of the dogs driving home for your pleasure!

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