Erica

So THE LAST STRAW was drawn today. I have had it up the HERE and I need to write it down. I write it for my own therapy (writing helps) and for validation. Misery loves company!

In the beginning…

Two months after HeeJun died I got a letter in the mail saying my in- laws were investigating my finances. They believed HeeJun had a life insurance policy. He did not. We had to sit down 2 months after he had died, 2 months after the troopers knocked on my door and told me my husband had died, 2 months after seeing my husband’s body in a casket…

And they asked for $25,000! They said they felt entitled to it. The court said I did not have any money, let alone any to give away. I could not promise anything at that time. I was a new widow and had none to spare.

They said they were blood, so their grief was worse…Possibly that is how it looks to them.

They bought three plots next to HeeJun and left me out….Possibly they thought I would not need it.

My father paid for all the funeral expenses and casket. They never offered to help…Perhaps they were grieving so hard this did not even cross their minds.

They told me they would help pay for his gravestone and then texted me what they wanted on his gravestone (no dates!) and did not help…perhaps it was a miscommunication.

They invited me to dinner after I drove 2 hours to see them and then said it was “too hard” to see me. Twice…It must have been so hard to see me. I was a reminder.

I had a beautiful quilt made for them and then was told to not give it to them because it was too hard…Another reminder that was too hard to face.

No cards. No emails. No calls. I sent cards and flowers in hopes that they would not forget me. In hopes that they would be encouraged that they are loved and being prayed for.

They visited only once after two years. They walked in and immediately asked for his things; his shoes, his razor, his helmet. They left after I said “not right now”. I felt like a flea market of HeeJun’s items.

Recently, I sent them money because I felt like it was this negative tie holding us together. A tie that was choking me. I packed up three boxes with HeeJun’s things for them and sent it back to their city with my parents. I got a text from them a week after they cashed the check that said, ” Thanks but we want $20,000 more and we want you to deliver the boxes“. I did not know how to respond.

Today after not hearing from them for the three year mark I received a text that said “You did not respond. If you were ever HeeJun’s wife, you would respond. You are a Christian…We want more heejun money than $20,000…Who are you? The Erica 3 years ago promised. We have been waiting 3 years. We are sad alot more than you.”

I am furious and hurt. I feel abandoned by them. I know they are hurting. I saw them on the floor weeping. I saw them grab on to HeeJun’s casket and not let go. I saw them at the grave site every day. I know they are hurting and possibly this is helping them heal. Possibly being so angry at me and asking for money is helping them. Possibly feeling like their grief is worse than mine and playing the comparison game is helping them. If so, then I surrender. Theycan win. They can be angry at me for not having money and for not being able to take care of them like they want. They can feel like their grief is more than mine because they are blood. If it helps them, they can win.

I know I should not write this. I know I should show them Christ’s forgiveness and kindness. Pray for me because it is so hard to do that. Praise God I have an army of warriors surrounding me who are willing to fight with me and help me laugh. If I didn’t laugh I would cry forever.

Death is not a lottery or a flea market. When a loved one dies, we should comfort and support each other. We should allow each other to grieve and be there for each other. Send cards. Send flowers. Be there and remember together. Grief is not a contest.

Make a will now! Get Life Insurance now! Talk with your spouse now about what you want to happen when you die. Talk about where you want to be buried/ cremated. Talk to your family about what you wish to happen. Let them know your wishes.

Pray for us, please.

Yesterday was the 3 year mark. Brittany, Elizabeth and I went to Myrtle Beach again, like the past two years. We stayed in the water and relaxed on the screen porch in the evening. It is always good for me to be around them.

On the 9th I was craving to get home and lay in Chad’s arms and just cry. After I unpacked, Chad and I sat on our new porch swing and the tears just flowed. It’ s been a while since I felt like that.

So, what is different this year? This year there is the struggle to balance the happiness with the sadness. There is the constant “should be” feelings. I should be sad. Last year I was sad. Why can’t I sob like last year? I almost feared the tears but also feared if they didn’t come. Grief is so weird.

I also wasn’t so caught up this year in feeling alone. Last year I felt so alone, especially at work. I felt like everyone had forgotten or expected me to be over it. It was a terrible feeling. This year, the ones that matter, remember.

This year, though I am also filled with THAT hurt and anger and …almost hatred (eeek. Yep, I said it) over those people that said I would always be their daughter. I am just itching to write a seething and vicious blog post about all they have done to hurt me, but I am stopped by Sensibility, Good Judgement, Loving Kindness, and Maturity. Stupid Maturity.

This year HeeJun is missed. Always missed. We always remember and are still knocked down breathless when we think about his death. There was a lot going on in my mind, but I have loved ones surrounding me who call, or write or hold me that help me figure out the mess in my head and process this 3 year mark.

Bump Maturity… or The Grief Contest

The 3 year post