Erica » Chillin' With Lemonade

I decided to go through the hope chest for HeeJun this weekend. I was looking for a journal that I might have written in during that first year. Other then a journal entry on that first night, all I could find was a journal starting June, 2009. I wonder if I did any writing that first year. I can’t recall!

The point, (the amazing thing, the thing that makes me pretty stinkin’ proud) is that while organizing the chest I threw away/ packed up for Goodwill a TON of things! I kept picking up things and saying, “Erica, why the heck did you want to keep this?” I threw away an empty box of pregnany tests, cards from Bridal showers, broken head phones, his medication, to two bottles of shampoo…I packed up so much of his clothes, books on marriage and how to plan a wedding, and slippers.

I think that is a major example of how far I have come!

Chad was out of town this weekend at a lake. He took his ATV with him. As many times as he told me he would be okay and safe, I just knew the troopers were going to come to my door. Every time the dogs barked, I panicked and looked outside, fearfully thinking the troopers would be in my driveway. I started thinking and planning what I would do. I know I would immediately throw up. Just thinking about it made me feel like fainting or throwing up. Who would I call? How would I tell his parents? Where would I live? Would I quit work? How would I survive this a second time? How would I breathe again? I believe that my mind was planning so it felt some control over this situation that I had no control over. I called Amy and she reminded me that God is in control and I just have to trust Him. He will take care of me no matter what.

I cleaned the house like crazy, trying to distract myself. After hours of panicking every time those stinkin’ dogs barked (which was a lot because they were out of sorts since Chad was gone and it was incredibly windy from the hurricane), I drove to Sister Brittany’s house, ordered sushi and just sat there while she was at work. Then I went to a late night movie with the Rubber Band Gand to see The Help (amazing movie btw). Distractions and perhaps the slight notion that the troopers can’t find me if I’m at the movies. Bury my head in the sand little ostich.

Oh, the joys of PTSD. Poor Chad. I want him to have fun. I want him to enjoy hanging with his friends. I don’t want him worrying about me being worried. God is in control. He’s got this. He will be with us no matter what. All we can do is trust His promise.